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One Liner Jokes

Prison vs Work

In case you ever get these two environments confused, this should clear things up a bit. Now, aren’t you glad to be free?

* In prison you spend the majority of your time in a 10×10 cell. At work you get a 6×6 cubicle.

* In prison you get three free meals per day. At work, you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

* In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get more work for good behavior.

* In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you have to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

* In prison you get to watch TV and play games. At work, you’ll get fired for doing that.

* In prison you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share a toilet with folks who pee on the seat.

* In prison they allow you to see your friends and family. At work, you’re not even supposed to speak to them.

* In prison you spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to be in bars.

* In prison you have to deal with a sadistic, irritated, grumpy and impatient warden. At work, he’s called your boss.

There is something seriously wrong with this picture… now get back to work! You’re not getting paid to read jokes!

20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored

Next time you’re on an elevator and feel a little bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

4. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

14. Fart loudly then exclaim “Was that you. There’s no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don’t come out loud.”

15. Before the elevator door opens shout “DING” and then laugh and say “beat you again Mr Elevator.”

16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

17. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger’s direction.

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “that’s mine!”

19. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

One liner funny quotes

* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

* Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

* What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young

* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

* I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

* Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

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