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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Tap-dancing
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Well," said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"
Dirty bird
A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.
One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.
When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.
When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird looked them over and said, "New house, new madam, new girls!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.
Shortly after 5:00 p.m. the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new girls -- Hi Sam!"
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