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Funniest Jokes

Stop Sign

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."

The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

The Pill

Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if

he didn't do something about the problem. So Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and

actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his

boss greeted him at the door.

"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you yesterday?"

Rich widow
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Ten of One Fruit
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

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