Birthday Jokes, Funny Birthday Jokes, Hilarious Birthday Jokes, Happy Birthday Jokes, Quotes, Sayings

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It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

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Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

"His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

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If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).


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Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.

I told my computer that today is my birthday,

and it said I needed an upgrade.

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What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

They were all born on holidays.

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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"


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Birthday question answer jokes, birthday one liners:

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!


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Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. 
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? 
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.


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Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? 
He wanted to have a birthday potty!


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Funny 40th Birthday Jokes
Dave was just turning 40 and he had been playing golf in all his life. He comes home one day and says to his wife, "that's it, i will have to give up golf, my eyesight is that bad I can't see where the boll is going anymore." His wife is trying to cheer him up and says, "sure you can give it one more go. Take my brother with you." 
"What good is that," says Dave. "He's nearly 90." "He may be nearly 90 but his eyesight is perfect," says the wife. 

Off they go the next day to play golf. Dave is a bit shaken up because of the previous day, but confident in his brother-in-law's eyesight. He tees up, breaths slowly and steps forward. And all mighty swing - drives the ball down the fairway. 

He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, "did you see the ball?" 

"Of course Dave" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight". 

Dave is all excited, turns back again and says "Where did it go?" 

(Split second silent) "I don't remember". 


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Best 50th Birthday Jokes and Sayings

"The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." ~ T. S. Eliot.


"First you forget names, 
then you forget faces, 
then you forget to pull your zipper up, 
then you forget to pull your zipper down." ~ Leo Rosenberg.

"There are numerous advantages in being fifty - just ask any eighty year old!!!"


"The cardiologist's diet: 
if it tastes good, spit it out." ~ Paulina Borsook.

"A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police." ~ Henny Youngman.

"Growing old is a question of mind over matter. Provided you don’t mind it really doesn’t matter."

Here's one of my favorite 50th birthday jokes for men,
"you are not 50, just 49.95, plus tax."

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." ~ Ogden Nash.

"Life is a theater - growing old the drama to be performed. It’s just unfortunate that no dress rehearsal is allowed."

"Happy 20th anniversary of your 30th Birthday."

"Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake."

"I get up each morning and dust off my wits, 
then pick up the paper and read the"o-bits." 
If my name isn't there, then I know I'm not dead. 
I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed." ~ Anonymous.

"At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves." ~ George Orwell.

"You know you’re getting old when the only way to accurately tell your age is by carbon dating."

"I’m aiming by the time I’m fifty to stop being an adolescent." ~ Wendy Cope.

"Looking forty is great if you’re fifty!"


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Birthday suit
A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "what on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "you could have ironed it first"



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A Wife’s Special Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."


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Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."


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Funny Birthday true story: Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.



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Birthday Surprise
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"


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Birthday Wife
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"


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Ice fishing
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."


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Hi Dave
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."


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