Bar Jokes, Funny Bar jokes, Drunk Jokes, Beer Jokes

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Proud Texan Father

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.  
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"  
"Yup, shore am!"  
"How much does he weigh now?"  
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."  
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."  
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

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I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.  
She jumped up and slapped him silly.  
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."  
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.  
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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Extremely Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.  
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.  
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.  
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."  
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.  
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.  
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.  
"How did you know?"  
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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2 Drunk Guys

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.  
The first man then asks: Where are you from?  
I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.  
The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.  
Of Course, replies the second man.  
Curious, the first man then asks:" Where in Ireland are you from?  
Dublin, comes the reply.  
I can't believe it, says the first man." I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.  
Of course, replies the second man.  
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?  
Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.  
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!  
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.  
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

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A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.  
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
  
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
  
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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