Baby Jokes,Dead Baby Jokes,Children Jokes,Kids Jokes

Baby Jokes

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

Childbirth Q&As

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning

crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Bottle Fed Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examine table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"